What Is A Gentleman?
Hint: It's more than good manners...
Historically, the term gentleman referred to men in medieval Europe who were of good social standing. The word gentleman is derived from the Old French word gentil, which means noble or well-born. This understanding of what it means to be a gentleman persisted for centuries, but has evolved over time. In modern society, this term is often used to describe men from all walks of life. This reference typically means a man is well-mannered and respectful to others, particularly the opposite sex.
While politeness and good behavior are certainly expected of a gentleman, the characteristics go much deeper than that. At his core, a gentleman must demonstrate the highest degree of integrity and character. He must do the right thing, even when no one might see his actions.
He must choose the hard right over the easy wrong, despite any hardship or challenges that may come from the right decision. One might say a gentleman is chivalrous in his behavior, even standing up for those who cannot stand up for themselves.
Finally, a gentleman does not place himself on a pedestal or make others feel inferior; far from it. Rather, a gentleman seeks to put others at ease in all situations. While proper etiquette is meant to put everyone on an equal footing, not everyone has had the advantage of learning these social rules. This is where a true gentleman shines, he effortlessly makes everyone feel respected and at ease, whether they exercise proper etiquette or not. Saint John Henry Newman said it best,
“A true gentleman carefully avoids whatever may cause a jar or a jolt in the minds of those with whom he is cast; all clashing of opinion, or collision of feeling, all restraint, or suspicion, or gloom, or resentment; his great concern being to make everyone at their ease and at home."
In my opinion, this quote describes the essence of a true gentleman. Yes, a gentleman should be polite and exercise good manners, but it’s how he makes others feel that truly matters. He puts others at ease while demonstrating character and integrity in all of his actions. Conversely, a man who thinks he’s above others due to social standing or wealth is not a gentleman at all; he’s just a snob. Let’s all endeavor to be true gentlemen in all of our actions.
Of course, this is only my opinion so I welcome your feedback in the comments section. Let me know if I’m off base or if you have a different definition of what it means to be a gentleman.
Please also consider checking out my book, where I outline 48 rules in three critical areas of a gentleman’s life: The Gentleman at Meals, The Gentleman About Town, and The Gentleman with His Lady. Click the link below for more information.
(At The Ways of a Gentleman, we explore what it means to live with character, purpose, and style in the modern world. Subscribe for more reflections on culture, etiquette, and timeless values.)
Always choose right over easy. This one hit deep.
I always found jiu jitsu to be taxing on my mind in many ways; but I made it a non-negotiable. Now I’m nearly at purple belt.
Great advice.
The ΣΑΕ fraternity to which I belonged in college required its pledges to memorize and adhere to the “Credo” of the society, expressed in a poem by John Walter Weyland called “The True Gentleman”. It seems to me that these are essentially, inherently, Christian virtues, but for a secular, masonic society such as these fraternities mostly are, any reverence to the source of these values is eliminated. But these are values our culture inherited from the courtly manners of Christendom, with its emphasis on self-sacrificing agape love, hope, and faith:
The True Gentleman is the man whose conduct proceeds
from good will and an acute sense of propriety
and whose self-control is equal to all emergencies;
who does not make the poor man conscious of his poverty,
the obscure man of his obscurity,
or any man of his inferiority or deformity;
who is himself humbled if necessity compels him to humble another;
who does not flatter wealth,
cringe before power,
or boast of his own possessions or achievements;
who speaks with frankness but always with sincerity and sympathy;
whose deed follows his word;
who thinks of the rights and feelings of others rather than his own;
and who appears well in any company;
a man with whom honor is sacred and virtue safe.”